My nursing journey

October 11, 2023

After starting my blog, I realized I should probably fill ​people in on my breastfeeding journey with my daughter ​and how that had to change because of this second ​pregnancy I’m in.

Before I even had my daughter, I knew that I wanted to ​breastfeed, and my goal was for at least a year. I remember ​thinking I was really not going to make it on that second ​day in the hospital with her. I was screaming-crying every ​time she latched, my husband was trying to squeeze ​colostrum out of my boobs in the meantime because my ​daughter didn’t want to stay awake long enough to actually ​t

eat so we were trying to give her colostrum in a dropper bottle… but she was also cluster feeding. It’s so much right after you have ​a baby.

There was a point during the second night in the hospital when a nurse came in while I was sobbing to Jarom about just the sheer ​exhaustion and discomfort of breastfeeding. She offered to take my daughter and give her some donor breast milk and just keep ​her for a few hours so that we could get some sleep. Thinking back, I can see how I should have been maybe a little scared or ​alarmed by this, but in that moment of pure tiredness, I let the nurse take her. And my husband and I got a good four hours of ​sleep and my daughter was fine. I sometimes feel like I failed my daughter then, but most of the time I don’t regret it.

I still wanted to give up within the first two weeks. My daughter was feeding constantly during the night, my boobs still hurt, we ​were dealing with bed bugs from the rocking chair we bought and doing countless loads of laundry while not even sleeping in our ​own bed… I didn’t think I was going to make it. We tried walks to see if getting outside in the fresh air would help her sleep. But ​ultimately what ended up helping was to try and pump a little and let my husband feed her that milk or if I couldn’t/didn’t want ​to pump (because it’s not fun, let’s be real) he would give her a formula bottle that we got samples of from the hospital.

And maybe that’s why I got my period back right away - because I wasn’t “exclusively breastfeeding”. I’m not sure, and I’ll never ​know. But letting my husband feed her once in the night was what got me through those first two weeks, and eventually the first ​two months. I remember hearing that you should give breastfeeding a try for at least two months before you throw in the towel. ​Now, two months seems like such a short amount of time, but then… It felt like an eternity.

After two months, things started to slow down and get a lot easier and more manageable. I wouldn’t say that I was an ​underproducer or an overproducer, more like a “just right” producer, leaning more towards the under category. I would only ​pump when absolutely necessary, which was usually when I had to sub at a school. I would just pump the night before and have ​the bottle for the next day. My Hakka didn’t really collect much as the months went on; I kind of just regulated my supply I guess ​you would say.

When Florence was six months old, we found out we were pregnant with our second. I Googled everything and talked with my ​pediatrician and midwives, and they said that some people make it all the way to the end of their pregnancy while still ​breastfeeding, and others’ supply drops and they have to either supplement or switch to formula. I figured I would just do it as ​long as I could.

Fast forward about 2.5-3 months, and I am in my darkest time of motherhood so far. My daughter was so upset all the time; she ​didn’t want to play with toys, she didn’t want to do tummy time, she didn’t nap well or sleep well at night… she WAS teething, ​but I was attributing all of her fussiness to that. I tried feeding her more and more solids, trying to get the “recommended” ¼ cup ​of grains, fruits, veggies, protein, etc. per meal for a child her age (which is unnecessary, by the way). I thought that feeding her ​more would get her to sleep better and be happier. Sometimes it did, but it wasn’t consistent.

Florence had been in roughly the 30th percentile for weight at her 6/7 month appointment, and when I took her in for her 9 ​month appointment, I found out she had lost almost half a pound and our pediatrician said I needed to start supplementing with ​formula. We kind of already had been that week, because I just started feeling like she wasn’t getting enough while nursing, but it ​was mostly just a bottle at night. Our pediatrician recommended I breastfeed her first, and then supplement with formula. ​Florence had had formula a few times when I didn’t get a chance to pump before her needing to be babysat, or not pumping ​enough the night before, and she did pretty well with it. We had a few cans still of random Enfamil samples that had been sent to ​us, so that’s what we used.

For about two weeks or so, I tried really hard to maintain the system of nursing and then bottle feeding. But it got to a point ​where it wasn’t benefitting either of us anymore, because she would only feed for a minute to a minute and a half total, so less ​than a minute on each side. It wasn’t worth the effort of getting her all situated on my boobs when she was getting what she ​needed from the bottle. One night, as I was putting her to bed, I just decided that was it; I cut off cold turkey. And I didn’t leak a ​single time once I stopped. So I guess I was pretty much empty. It was devastating.

At this same time, we were trying to transition her from co-sleeping to sleeping in her crib at night (which I think was harder on ​me than it was on her because I missed her snuggled next to me!). She was doing pretty well, but one night, I couldn’t sleep ​because I had had an awful nightmare about her being shot by someone in a gang… which is not really relevant to anything, but I ​woke up crying and couldn’t go back to sleep. Shortly after, she woke up and I went in to rock her back to sleep with a bottle, and ​I just sobbed. I kept telling her that I was sorry that I didn’t know that I was practically starving her, that my body had failed her ​and couldn’t provide what she needed anymore, that she wasn’t sleeping in bed with us anymore… I was a mess.

It really doesn’t matter that I couldn’t breastfeed her anymore. My goal had been a year, but she won’t remember how she was fed, ​all that matters is that she was fed. It made me feel so guilty for accidentally getting pregnant with this next baby, and it just ​made me feel like I had failed.

My body is capable of a lot of things, like growing and giving birth to children and being able to feed them. I was able to feed ​Florence for the first almost 10 months of her life, and that’s amazing. Now my body’s purpose is bringing another life into this ​world, and that’s amazing too. I still feel that sense of guilt sometimes, and I’m sure I will if I end up nursing this baby longer than ​I did Florence, but I have a much greater feeling of relief that my body is giving all it needs to to this second baby, and that ​Florence is finally getting the food that she needs and is at a healthy weight and happy and crawling around. I think a few weeks ​after we switched her to formula, she started crawling and moving all over the place. I just wish I had figured out sooner that she ​was hungry, which is another thing I feel guilty about. Like, how did I not know she wasn’t getting enough? But I’m a first time ​mom, and it was my first time breastfeeding. It’s okay that I didn't know.

Anyway, we’re all doing better and eating enough now. Just remember that “fed is best”. It doesn’t make formula any cheaper, ​unfortunately, but it is comforting to know that you are doing fine as long as you are feeding your baby.