what kind of mother

do I want to be?

September 1, 2023

I would often tell people that because my husband and I only have one vehicle, and he drives it to work every day, that I am a “STUCK-at-Home-Mom” rather than just a “Stay-at-Home-Mom.” The mindset behind both of these titles, I realized, is entirely wrong. If I view my days at home with my almost ten-month-old as “just staying home” or being “stuck” at home, I will not progress as a mother or wife. I realized I need to make a change. And that change is creating a new identity for myself, and a new role: homemaker.

I have told people over and over again in my young adult

life that I do NOT listen to podcasts or audiobooks. I am a talker, and I simply do not actively seek out ways in which to listen to someone else talk as much as I would like to, on purpose. Aside from that, I am very picky about voices. It may sound odd, but if I were to listen to an audiobook, I would only ever listen to one read by a British male, like David Attenborough. I think anyone else would drive me nuts. And, most audiobooks I’ve tried to listen to are read too slowly for me, and I don’t comprehend as much if I’m not physically reading the text. ALL THAT TO SAY: I tried out two podcasts because I just felt like I needed to listen to something about motherhood while I go on my morning walks with Florence. And I’m still listening to them. And I don’t hate them. And I’ve learned a lot.

The first podcast that I started listening to is called The Joy Filled Podcast by Jenna Griffith. She focuses on having a positive, stay-at-home mom mindset from a Christian perspective. I felt that I was really lacking in the faith department, so I was deliberately looking for something about motherhood from a religious perspective. The other podcast that I’m listening to is the Mind Body Alignment podcast by Tessa Romero. I have been following her on Instagram for a while and finally decided to check out her podcast, which… has been a huge deep dive into my identity and becoming the mother that I want to be for my children.

I really started wanting to jump into bettering myself after a huge breakdown I had during a tough time with my daughter, Florence. Her entire eighth month of life had been very hard for both of us. For some reason, her body decided it wants to try and cut about six teeth at the same time, and because of this, she had multiple fevers, restless nights, fits during meals, fights on the changing table, and just downright didn’t want to sit down or lay down or be picked up or ANYTHING. I was getting so frustrated at myself for wanting to give up, losing my patience, and finding zero joy in everyday life. And to add to that mental burden, I started thinking about how I will have two babies come January. (I will talk more about this in a future post and announce it later on my personal Instagram. But for now all you need to know is that we will have two children 14 months apart, which was not planned!)

Motherhood started to feel so overwhelming to me, and I felt like I was failing because I was having a breakdown and complaining about my beautiful, perfect daughter. Diving into the idea of “identity” didn’t make me feel much better at first, because I was identifying as things like “lazy”, “impatient”, “selfish”, and “ungrateful”. That is obviously not who I want to be as a mother, or a wife, or a person in general.

I’ve since looked to these podcasts, the scriptures, my Heavenly Father, friends and family, my past, and my husband to help me define who I really want to be, and to help me get there. I’ve been trying to give myself a lot more grace when my mindset and actions don’t align with the identity I’m trying to create for myself.

And has all this - the podcasts, the prayers, the Come Follow Me, the phone calls, the journaling - made a difference? Absolutely. So much so that I find myself trying to change and grow in other aspects of motherhood, specifically in how I spend my time while “stuck” at home, which is why I’m starting this blog. I’ve been working hard at lowering my “scrolling” screen time on my phone, but have found that I don’t have enough productive hobbies to keep me busy in the downtime while Florence is napping.

I think that “homemaking” is the answer that I’ve been searching for. It is another role/identity to add to who I want to become, it is a skill that takes time to learn, and it benefits the place where I spend most all of my time. I want to be a patient, loving, faithful, and creative mother for my children. But if I don’t start now, it will be much harder to be that mother and implement the things I want to implement in my home once my kids are older. It is better to build habits now while I have one baby, than to try and have a happy, Christ-centered home with rambunctious toddlers.

This post was way longer than I anticipated it being, and I feel like I’ve shown you too much of my brain. I want to get into more about what homemaking is, what it means for me, and why I feel so compelled to start doing more of it in a later blog post. But for now, I want to officially welcome you to this little corner of the internet and thank you for reading the inner workings of my mind. Until next time!